Sioux Center, Iowa – January 16, 2016: Presidential Candidate, Marco Rubio, addresses the crowd at a campaign stop.
The 2016 Presidential campaign leaves behind snowy New Hampshire headed for what is always a bare knuckle brawl in The Palmetto State. Party primaries are too much fun to have both on the same day. The GOP will have at it Sat. Feb. 20. The Democrats (Why don’t they call themselves the Grand NEW Party?) will go to the polls Sat. Feb. 27.
The Republican field was sliced in New Hampshire. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie scored heavily against Marco Rubio in last Saturday’s debate, but found himself marginalized by Tuesday’s voters. So, he “suspended” his campaign.
By the way, when politicians “suspend” their campaign are they just stepping aside until everyone realizes just how awesome they truly are? How many suspended campaigns have reignited and become winning ones?
Zero. Christie’s kaput.
Former Hewlett/Packard (What a machine those are. Roll eyes emoji) CEO Carly Fiorina ended her Presidential bid, as well. This came as a surprise to her supporters. They thought she had suspended her campaign at Thanksgiving.
Now we’re left with Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, Jeb! Bush, and John Kasich on the GOP side.
Kasich was the guy you never heard of until Tuesday. He finished second with 13% of the vote and gave a victory speech. See, “Rubio, Marco (Iowa)” in the encyclopedia.
No, really! Eighty-seven out of every 100 of New Hampshire’s Republican electorate picked someone for whom to vote other than John Kasich. Yet, he took the podium for a winners’ walk.
Only in America.
What do these candidates need to do in South Carolina? Well, they will need to make their quadrennial pilgrimage to Bob Jones University. There, they will make a speech pledging to roll back almost every advancement blacks and women have made since 1865.
They will need to make stump speeches promising to “Take America Back.”
(Did Belgium take us away while we weren’t looking?)
They will hear countless high school bands play countless renditions of the Star Spangled Banner. These playings of the National Anthem signal the beginning of the “rapt facial adoration of the flag” portion of the day.
Then, they will need to “exceed expectations.” What does that mean?
Donald Trump will need to win, showing America that a New York chameleon (did you know he has been a Democrat most of his adult life?) can flummox, er, convince, the South of his conservative credentials.
Ted Cruz needs to win the facial adoration game (he’s really good at that one) and knock the socks off Bob Jones. Anything beyond his socks will constitute “lewdness.”
Marco Rubio needs a new speech and a better showing than he made in New Hampshire. He’s already in South Carolina, polishing his acceptance speech at the Piggly Wiggly.
Jeb! needs to invoke the passionate flames his brother engendered from his followers during his successful runs (Really, America? Twice?) for the Presidency. If he does that, Jeb! will finish in the Top three,.. or four… or so.
John Kasich needs to convince security he belongs near the podium. Being under arrest for loitering is no way to campaign.
On the Democratic side, Bernie Sanders needs to employ an interpreter. “Darlin’ did that man just say, ‘Nevader?’ Is that a planet?”
Then, he needs to make large enthusiastic crowds translate to a large enthusiastic electorate in a state that doesn’t touch Vermont.
What does Hillary Clinton need to do? She needs to find a way to attract the tens of thousands of voters under 30 who are enamored of Bernie.
I wonder if she has considered a dragon tattoo.
Photos: Rich Koele, Ilya B. Mirman / Shutterstock.com