“And now, the end is near
And so I face the final curtain
My friend, I’ll say it clear
I’ll state my case, of which I’m certain…”
The dawning of a New Year is a time of joy and anticipation. “What will I accomplish?” “Where will I go?” “What will I do?”
That is until you become a certain age.
My aunt used to say, “Old age is not for wimps.” She was right. What will I accomplish this year? I hope to keep my teeth. Where will I go? To the bathroom, repeatedly. What will I do? What was the question?
As Food Network chef Alton Brown likes to say, “Oh, bother.”
So how old am I? File that under none of your business. Here’s a hint. I was born the same year as Liquid Paper.
But, I shouldn’t say it is all bad. I have gained wisdom even as I have lost the lustrous light brown that was once my hair. There are things I know now that never occurred to me when I…wasn’t old.
So pull up a chair good Gildshire reader. No, come even closer. Grandpa’s voice doesn’t have the range it did when the Civil War ended, and we partied in the streets of Atlanta.
What I Have Learned:
1. There are no real consequences to tearing off the mattress tags. Those tags are designed so people won’t tear the tags off at the mattress store and use them as Kleenex.
2. ”Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.” This, my friends, is a full-on crock. Stay in bed until the last possible minute. You’ll never have an original thought until 10 am anyway. Before that, you’ll just be sucking down coffee, and wishing you were back between the covers. Besides, if you go to bed early you miss the finest in educational televised entertainment. Like “Hee-Haw.”
3. If you are asked by a woman to guess her age, miss low. MISS WAY LOW! Last week a woman at the grocery store asked me to guess her age. Brutal honesty would have compelled me to say “163.” Instead I said 44. She was 61. It did no harm to lie. She walked away with a spring in her step, and I walked away without being beaten to death with a loaf of French bread.
4. Do you want to know the best idea I ever had? It has to do with that bit of nonsense known as Daylight Savings Time. Instead of turning the clock back and forth, back and forth, let’s do this. When it comes time to set the clocks back in a few months, turn them back 1/2 HOUR and then leave them alone! What would be wrong with that? You wouldn’t have people getting to church late the next morning and lying about it (surely condemning them to Hell). You wouldn’t have people planning for the time change a week in advance by piling up sleep hours. Your co-workers couldn’t whine about being unproductive because they couldn’t get used to something that has happened twice a year for every year of their lives!
5. Karma is real, and she ain’t playing around. I learned this many years ago. I was in the car with my girlfriend. We had just gotten something from a convenience store. In juggling my car keys and my Pepsi, I spilled some Pepsi on myself. She called me a slob…and immediately dumped barbecued chicken on her blouse. Karma is your taskmistress, and she will never leave you.
I’m sure there are more things I’ve learned, but it’s almost time for my nap…and my Metamucil. Oh, bother.