My dear friend Amanda Wills (she slays me at company picnics) recently wrote an excellent Gildshire article about Valentine’s Day gifts for the man in your life. Reading it made me think about unique ways of approaching this special day.
Feb. 14 is a day in need of new ideas. Flowers? Wilt machines. Candy? Have you read the Type II diabetes statistics? Jewelry? I’m traumatized by the number of earrings lost in the last five years by my Valentine. Dinner out? Like you don’t already do that three times a week.
None of those gifts inspire the kind of response you want. No, indeed. You need to look through a different lens this Valentine’s Day. To that end, we present Valentine’s Day Gifts You Have Never Considered. (But that you should).
• Framed Copy of Her Ex’s Arrest Record: Your best girl already knows she made the right decision when she picked you. But, there is nothing wrong with a reminder of her prudent decision-making. A gilded frame surrounding the details of the time her ex-boyfriend got pinched will do the trick.
• Membership in the Legume of the Month Club: The gift that keeps on giving. No one wants to be stuck with just one legume. She will enjoy March’s Black-eyed Pea offering. Then, the April Lentil makes its appearance. When the Geechee Red Pea and Wattleseed show up at the end of the year she will be grateful…and regular. Which brings us to…
• A Pooper Scooper: This is an especially good gift if she does not have a dog. It will remind her of the hours she saves by not having to pick up after a pet. She can also while away the hours playing “Park Maintenance Technician.”
• Boxed Set of the Greatest Hits of Zamfir and His Pan Flute: Gildshire knows how much your girl wants you to be classy and full of couth. (That’s the opposite of uncouth.) Show her your sensitive side with the gift of pan flute music played by Romanian impresario Gheorghe Zamfir. He’s the master of the craft. It will put her to sleep immediately. Then you’re free for Victoria’s Secret Lingerie Football on Pay Per View.
• A Dryer Lint Fur Coat: She is a gentle and sensitive woman with taste and a sense of responsibility to nature. She would never wear mink, sable or ermine. But, she wants to be warm and stylish out on the town. This is the best answer we can imagine. *Hint* Use Snuggle dryer sheets. They will make the coat smell like lilacs.
Gildshire knows you will want to profoundly thank us for these ideas. But, please, don’t embarrass us. It will be enough for us when we see all the dryer lint coats walking the streets.
Happy Valentine’s Day from the Mall of Magazines that is All Heart.